But How Does This Benefit Me?

Historically, men have been socialized and conditioned into systems that primarily benefit them. And you know what? Players will play.

I watched The Odyssey a few weeks ago, and one thing remained incredibly consistent throughout the entire story: men’s decision-making process.

First beneficiary in line?

Them. Individually.

Because what exactly was the reason for messing with that poor Cyclops, Odysseus? You had escaped. You were on the boat. You were FREE. And then you just had to turn around, taunt the man, and tell him your real name?

Sir.

Explain to the class how that worked out for everybody else.

Also, if you discovered Greek mythology in high school and became obsessed with it like I did, I highly recommend revisiting those insane stories as an adult. Actually, rewatch your favorite childhood and teenage shows too, now that your frontal lobe is fully developed. The experience is humbling. You will find yourself staring at the screen thinking, wait… this is what I thought was romantic?

Anyway.

Not that I particularly care about men’s development as a personal project. However, when their choices happen in close proximity to me, those choices can affect my life too. So unfortunately, very deep sigh, I have had to learn some things and understand the game.

And apparently, I must play it too.

People are always shocked when they find out dating has never really been a priority of mine. And of course, what a travesty! Because what else could I possibly have to do as a woman that could ever be as important as finding a man?

To this I say:

LOL.

I thank God that the frontal-lobe-and-discernment package has finally been delivered because I can look at life much more clearly now. Twenty-two-year-old me? Insane. Absolutely no supervision. Thoughts and prayers to her.

Self-awareness really is one of the keys to success, friends. Take a look at the people around you who have none.

Exactly.

Chaos everywhere.

But seriously, one question has completely changed how I approach dating:

How is this going to benefit me… now and in the future?

Ever since I started asking myself that question whenever somebody’s child approaches me with a romantic proposition, my vision has become clearer and my priorities have realigned beautifully.

Because I need to understand something.

How does it benefit me to uproot my life, make compromises, risk my health, rearrange my routines, share my resources, and potentially compromise the things I deeply value by intertwining my life with yours?

Finances are not my primary motivation for partnership. I can afford my life. And especially in this economy, if I am going to introduce a major disruption into a life I have worked very hard to build, how exactly is that disruption going to make my life better?

Because when someone approaches me, they usually already know what I can offer. They can see it—the emotional support, the stability, the nurturing, the companionship, the ambition, the family orientation, the ability to build a home and a life. Whatever it is that attracted them in the first place, they have already identified something in my life that they believe would improve theirs.

Okay.

What are you offering that is currently missing from mine?

That is the part I am interested in.

Because why does partnership so often seem to be presented to women as an opportunity to sacrifice our comfort so somebody else can become happier?

Why am I supposed to become a background character in my own life story so that someone else can have a more fulfilling one?

How does that make any sense?

And yes, I had an active father. I grew up with strong values and a model of family that shaped my expectations, which is precisely why I feel comfortable sitting back and carefully evaluating the partnership offers presented to me.

So far?

None of them have matched my current lifestyle and needs.

What I keep being offered feels something like this:

Take this person as they currently are. Invest in them. Be patient. Teach them. Support them. Compromise. Adjust. Give them time. Help them grow. Believe in their potential.

And perhaps, eventually, they will become someone whose presence meaningfully improves your life.

Meanwhile, from day one, my presence is already expected to improve theirs.

Yeah.

I do not like this plan.

I am not interested in taking on a renovation project disguised as romantic potential.

And there is no need to argue with me or try to sell me companionship. I understand companionship perfectly well. Companionship is beautiful. Love is beautiful. Partnership can be beautiful.

But companionship alone does not automatically justify everything I may be asked to put on the line to obtain it.

For me, that is still not enough.

And that is the beauty of self-awareness: I do not need it to be enough for everyone else.

It only needs to be enough… or not enough.. for me.

Your answer can be completely different from mine. Your priorities are yours, and they are 100% valid.

Mine are too.

So these days, before I become impressed by potential, promises, chemistry, or the possibility of what something couldbecome, I have a much simpler question:

How does allowing you into my life make the life I already love better?

If neither of us can answer that clearly, then perhaps we already have our answer.